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Quotes from participants in our Holotropic Breathwork workshops
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I assumed that I would
have to face my abusive childhood. But what happened instead was
that the breathwork provided a very powerful boost which
projected me up into that very beautiful place inside. While
‘up’ there I experienced the being in and then the
separating from the inner light. I found after doing breathwork
that my life was lighter and I felt much more in touch with a
strong spiritual power that I suppose has always been there.
For me, breathwork was an
unforgettable, unbelievable experience. I got to genuinely look
at the issues I’ve had with my parents, particularly my mom,
and things became so much clearer, and it was a cleansing
experience to be able to look at my demons without pain. And it
felt so freeing afterwards to be able to allow myself to feel the
feelings that I’ve tried not to feel for so long, because
it’s so painful. I will do it again — I really love the
experience of being with people who have the same interest of
facing themselves and not being afraid. I loved it.
What I experienced in the
workshop was pretty phenomenal actually. First of all, I want to
say that I really liked the way it was presented and I felt
really comfortable expressing and bringing up any material that I
might have. That’s extremely important to me, because if I
don’t feel safe and I don’t feel I can express what I
want, then there is no point for me in attending a workshop like
this.
For me, it was a very
intense experience... but the results afterwards made me feel
happy... I’ve been working on a relationship and we’re
really making a lot of headway with the relationship... When I
talked to my partner about it, I said "since I did the
Holotropic Breathwork workshop, it seems that my anger has been a
lot more in control," and he agreed with that.
I've done the breathwork 4
times, and each time I was totally amazed at what happened. It
seems to me that the mind is truly huge, and most of the time I
experience just the tip of the iceberg. Holotropic breathing
pushes me off into the water, and not only do I not drown, but I
learn that the water itself is me. As I do the breathwork
repeatedly, I am learning how to be comfortable in the water
rather than crouching on the tip of the iceberg and shivering. I
think the breathwork is powerfully helpful in my struggle to
become who I am.
If I had a way to describe
it, it would be "Beautiful, just absolutely beautiful."
...All I know is that it took me to another place, where I left
out of there feeling good about myself, and I worked through some
stuff... It gave me a special feeling... I’m so thankful
that I did it... I found out what was bothering me... I came out
and I just felt relaxed; I didn’t feel the pressure in my
head anymore.
Holotropic Breathwork is not mysterious. What a wonderful opportunity to feel and express one's feelings in a safe place. Feeling your feelings without censoring or defending yourself from yourself simply feels good... Like moving rusty gears on a bicycle, the breathwork allowed me to go forward into my daily existence without getting stuck or stopped by uncomfortable emotions. As a non-chemically induced form of therapy it provides an easy transition and integration of an experience of heightened awareness into the day to day.
Being separated from my mother at age 5 for several months was a major trauma blocking me from living my life fully. During the breathwork session, I was able to return to my memory of her and grieve the loss and feel the powerful feelings of love I had repressed for so long.
Because of a difficult past and a difficult situation that I must now tolerate, I have been carrying around a lot of pity for myself. In the session, I found myself crying a lot, and I believe that it released that unpleasant burden. Since then, though it didn’t happen all at once, I have been feeling much stronger and more capable of acting on my own behalf.
I started thinking about my brother who died in a swimming accident at age 19. I found myself wanting to take his place, and I felt myself in the water, then later on in the hospital bed in a coma, and later on in the coffin looking out at everybody - it was an extremely intense experience for me to do this - it was something I had thoughts about at different times but I had never emotionally experienced what I really thought and felt about him and my mother. I felt a lot of relief afterwards, and I felt a release from the guilt of not being there for him and not being there for my mother while she was visiting him in the hospital.
I was very close to my brother growing up, but for the last ten years he has closed me out of his life, and I despaired of ever reconciling with him. During the breathing I had an image of him being in a lot of pain and needing contact. I called him the next week, and in the midst of an unrelated conversation, he referred to the issue that had been bothering him all this time, and we were finally able to resolve it. I’m also experiencing a significant shift in how I’m relating to my mother.
I have asked myself more than once why I kept returning to go to such dark places. I now think I know and it's because of you and the good people coming to the sessions. For the whole day at Breathwork, I don't have to worry about who I am or that I am depressed and must hide it from everyone. It is the only time I feel like I can just be myself. On top of that, it's in a wonderfully loving and supportive atmosphere. I don't think I find that feeling anywhere else in my life. Thanks a million for doing what you do so well!
Each breath was the fuel for my soulsearching journey. It felt great. Like a plant needing water, each breath provided life. I experienced my beginning and ending again and again. At end, there was peace.
I began attending ‘Breathwork’ because I was consumed with feelings of self-hatred. I felt hopeless, stuck, and depressed. I did not realize that suppressed childhood traumas were controlling my current behaviors, thoughts, and reactions. Through the breathing sessions I was able to relive these traumas and truly feel, express, and release the grief and anger that were buried deep within me. Instead of meeting with the abuse, rejection, and criticism that surrounded me and permeated these experiences when I was a child, the facilitators and other participants of the workshops allowed me to ‘do it again’ in an extremely nurturing atmosphere, filled with genuine support, caring, and acceptance. As a result, I am beginning to value myself, and to regard life as something to be embraced with joy, rather than endured in pain.
I would like to thank you both for your dedication to Holotropic Breathwork. As you know, I have been in and out of therapy for the past seven years and have not made the progress that I have in the past few months doing Holotropic Breathwork. Because you have provided a "Safe Container," I have felt secure in allowing the process to take on a life of its own and to have the freedom of exploring the very essence of my spiritual being. This tool has literally changed my life! Where I was once closed to the world I am now very much open. I am able to let people get closer to me — sharing some of my most deepest and darkest secrets. My senses have been heightened beyond my wildest imagination — it is like awakening from a deep sleep. I can see colors crystal clear instead of through a film of black and white ... I can hear nature awakening to each new day ... I can taste the nurturing fruits of the earth ... I can smell the aroma of blossoming spring flowers and freshly brewed coffee ... I can feel the softness of my bedding at night, and the embracing arms of friends. It is so wonderful to be alive! Thank you both for being courageous enough to go through your own process for without it you would never have been brought to this place of being of service to others. I don’t think I can ever thank you enough for all you have given to me!
My experience with Holotropic Breathing has been holistic with life-changing awarenesses. Holistic in terms of its effectiveness in the physical, emotional (psychological) and spiritual realms. I am transformed from a sickly, fearful, faith-lacking being (that my belief system pretends I am) into a powerful, bold, spiritual being that God knows me to be. True reality comes into focus and distorted 'images' are no longer needed. Breathing is the vehicle that takes me to this place of remembrance. It is as if I awaken to hear Spirit remind me of everything that I had forgotten or pushed aside so that Ego may reside. I cannot wait to start breathing because my body, mind and spirit want to be 'set free' once again. The loving touch of Spirit takes me to places I've been and will be, all with the assurance that life is pure energy, and God rests in the midst of that energy. The Breath is Blessed.
I
feel so much stronger physically, psychologically, emotionally and spiritually
as a result of having
attended Holotropic Breathwork Seminars for the last two years.
I've learned, through the breath, how to access, trust and utilize an
inherent wisdom I was not aware of before.
I was always searching for a way to transcend the pain of having to live
with Fibromyalgia and Chronic Depression.
Instead, I found a way to work with it. I've learned that there is always
a little darkness in the light and a little light in the darkness and, most
importantly, I'm finally o.k. with that.
Holotropic Breathwork Seminars have been, for me, the safest environment
to allow both the dark and light aspects of myself full expression without the
fear of punishment or judgment.
I believe the gradual integration of these two aspects of myself are
leading me towards true wholeness.
Approximately
a month before attending this particular Breathwork, I had started to struggle
with the idea that I did not have control over my drinking.
Although I had been drinking for the past 25 years, I always told myself
I had control over it. Then, for
some reason, I felt it was time to try to "cut down."
In trying to cut down, I found myself drinking more than ever and getting
more and more frustrated with it. A
friend of mine had been attending NA meetings and because of the positive change
I saw in her, I decided to attend the meetings with her.
I went twice as a "visitor" without admitting that I was an
addict or saying that I would be willing to give up drinking altogether.
The day after the second NA meeting, I attended a
Breathwork workshop. While going
through the breathing process, my legs started getting numb and as I got scared,
a voice (my voice) told me not to be scared, to let go, and to give control over
to God. The numbness got so intense
that it felt as though I had no legs at all, but I worked through the fear by
letting go and repeating the words, "you don't need to have control, trust
God and it will be okay, you don't need to be afraid."
I got through the process fine and my legs, of course, were there and
back to normal.
At first, I thought what I addressed was an ongoing
numbness problem I had been experiencing for the past year or so.
I had been experiencing panic attacks from the fear of the numbness and
thought the process brought me through that fear and let me know that I didn't
need to panic, that I could trust God and everything would be okay.
As the day went on, though, I started thinking about
alcohol and what it does. My
thoughts turned to the numbness and I put the two together - alcohol numbs you.
I then started thinking of what I had heard/read at the NA meetings -
that the only way to overcome your addition is to admit that you are powerless
over your addiction, to believe and trust in a Power higher than yourself, and
to make the decision to turn your will over to that Higher Power (to let go and
let God). The bells went off in my
head because I felt that was exactly what I went through in the Breathwork.
I felt that I had actually experienced feeling the addiction (numbness),
trusting in God and turning my will (control) over to God.
Needless to say, by the end of the workshop I had made
the decision that I did not want to take another drink.
I admitted my addiction, that I had no control over the addiction, and
that I was turning it over to God. I
will continue to attend NA - and this time with full intentions.
For the first time, there is no doubt in my mind that I want to stop
drinking - totally, and I believe with the combination of NA and Breathwork, I
can finally do it. I am very
thankful for the light this experience has brought into my life and am very
excited about the road ahead of me.
i'm still buzzing... i was love, color, music... it was timeless and spaceless. at virtually any moment i felt as if i might actually become my true consciousness... i may have wanted it too much. I was landscapes. fields, hills, beaches... the beautifully wild black mustang was me! there was fire and coldness... tunnels and overwhelming sexual energy. i'm convinced that my partner was a vital variable in the exploration. i've only just scraped the surface... i've carried this power (exceptional feelings of love) into this whole week! i've been larger than who i am normally... and let's not forget what maslow said concerning normalcy. "it's a psychopathology of the average" none of the people i meant this past week-end were average... the courage to trust their inherent potential and to explore their naturalness was tremendously uplifting for me... thanks to ted and yourself again. build it and they will come:):):)
I chose Holotropic Breathwork as a means to impact the multiple food and environmental allergies which I've experienced for years. My practitioners over the years have included chiropractors, acupuncturists, nutritionists, kinesthesiologists, homeopaths, psychotherapists and wholistic and traditional physicians including immunologists and allergists, but I was drawn to Holotropic Breathwork because none of these modalities could lessen my symptoms. I hoped that my condition was psychosomatic, as I proved to be allergic to any supplement, homeopathic remedy or drug generally administered to patients with my condition, and I considered that my last recourse toward healing was to jog some hidden trauma held in my body which could be influencing my stress levels and compromising my immune system. I sought Holotropic Breathwork after becoming familiar with Stanislav Grof's The Healing Potential of Non-Ordinary States of Consciousness, and after speaking with Ted, who shared his personal healing experience, I was further convinced of the potential of the process. I generally remain detached from any trauma I revisit during the breathwork, although I scream, cry, kick, and experience energy surges which cause my body to vibrate or jerk. Often I feel fascinated while engaged in the process, but I rarely experience anything visual, nor can I interpret even the most overt of my reactions. Unlike many of the participants, I have no idea of where I am as I journey. Several sessions have led me to investigate increasingly deeper levels of consciousness, which I begin to access almost immediately once the session begins. Often I work with David, whose inherent ability to locate and release trauma stored in the body has initiated some of my most profound experiences. I've learned to trust that I've entered into a process which appears to take me where I need to go, because I've now begun to experience episodes where I can eat for up to one month without allergic reactions. Recently I entered the process feeling despondent, as there was literally nothing I could eat without precipitating a reaction, and I was fatigued, anxious, and depressed. When I arrived at home after the session I began to eat--I just knew that I would be able to eat, and my energy levels soared. My symptoms were greatly reduced for two weeks, and any reactions experienced were short-lived. Currently I'm experiencing combinations of reactions because once I begin to eat I become bolder about experimenting with different foods, and if I begin to experience allergic reactions I become reluctant to retreat to a steady, "safe" diet of chicken and lettuce. Symptoms tend to compile as I become compelled to eat, and I experience panic, fatigue, and swelling. But I believe it's critical that I attempt to eat a greater variety of foods despite my reactions, and it's important that I take the risks because the alternative is starvation. Holotropic Breathwork makes this possible because I learn that I can eat for a period of time, and despite my current state of reactivity, I'm confident in the potential of Holotropic Breathwork to profoundly impact my psyche and bear upon my healing process. But I'm also convinced that the skill and dedication of Ted and David have contributed significantly to my success, and I feel extremely lucky to have entered into this process with them.
The choice feels as old as being born. I don’t have to prove I was right or be afraid of making a mistake. <> As long as I choose to live my life from my heart and have faith and trust in God, everything will be OK. It is when I try to control things that are really in His hands that I get into trouble. <> I have to let go of trying to understand my mother not wanting me. I don’t have to make up to anyone or owe anyone for being here because God says I have a right to be here and that’s all that matters! <> Let go of the need for being picked, or chosen or special. As long as God says I have a right to be here, I can give up the need to be special. Also, I can let go of the better and worse than thing. I don’t need to do that anymore to justify my existence. (I picked men with low self-esteem who I saw as being better than me; I figured I could build them up so they would need me to feel good about themselves.) <> I don’t want God to think that I am special. I want Him to love everyone the same. We are all the same. No one is better or worse than anyone else. <> I don’t have to be afraid to love again. I saw the tremendous fear of loving again because I felt I was wrong for choosing a man over my mom. I don’t have to risk being totally abandoned if I love and let myself be loved, because God is always with me. <> I have to let go of playing the victim and feeling sorry for myself. Just like I don’t owe anyone for my existence, no one owes anything to me. Everyone has a right to live their own life. <> If I trust in God, everything is OK. I don’t need to know the reason for everything; I just need to trust God. <> There is exactly the right amount of time in life that I need. No more and no less.
I want to say thank you for providing the safe space for breathworks and also for all the kindnesses you have shown me. I had a glimpse of the power of the work today, as I was stuck for over an hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic on the Cross-Bronx expressway (the road from Hell). I found myself doing tonglen for all the other people caught in that snarl (both sides). By the time I crossed the George Washington Bridge, I was so high, all I could do was rejoice in life. I owe that (somewhat different from my typical) response to such traffic to the experience I had Saturday. It's deep healing work.
That was some workshop Saturday. Early in the afternoon there was an interval where I thought to myself, "What am I doing here?" Somehow I no longer saw the point to it. But sitting changed all that. For me sitting seems to be a very powerful experience. To witness one of my fellow humans going through such powerful inner experiences, then maybe resting a bit, then launching into some other inner process... I feel such incredibly strong empathy then. This must be good for the soul.
My
sessions were basically about how I would be able to save my relationship.
I did not realize yet that I needed to save myself, not my relationship. After deciding that the relationship would end, I did not
feel that it was over yet. I could
not face the truth yet. I
could not let go. The universe was
about to place another wonderful gift in my path.
Express mail via my therapist, Holotropic Breathwork was now my next
journey. I thought HUH?
Holo what? Ok, I will be
there. I started to let go.
I decided to trust the universe and my therapist completely on this one.
I would like to share with you now what my experience
at the Breathwork workshop was like. To
share this is to join with everyone else that is holding back and not letting
go. This is my way of connecting
myself with everyone else in the universe and hoping that this gift will one day
be placed on your path too.
My first thought while driving to the workshop was, what the
hell am I getting myself into. Do I
really want to know what is causing me so much pain in my life? Am I just going
to make things worse if I open up a new can of worms?
Maybe it’s not too late to turn around and go home.
I hoped that I would get lost and not make it there in time.
I always get lost, I am lousy with directions, but the universe had
different plans for me. I got there
just in time, not one wrong turn, damn it. I signed in and met another
wonderful gift named Vicki. I sat
through the lecture and was excited yet scared and wondered if it was still too
late to come up with an excuse to go home.
I partnered up, and went on my new journey. I started my breathing and started to feel the transition. I
would not let go. The next thing I
knew, Vicky told me to close my eyes and to breathe. Vicky lay down on the floor next to me held my hand and took
breaths along with me. It was
helpful to me to have a spiritual helping hand to get started.
Thank you Vicky.
The music was incredible.
There she was -- my healer, a beautiful African goddess. She was tall,
slender and dark, and graceful and dancing up a storm as we all sat around a
fire. I felt a connection to her
like I only felt with my companion. The
connection was non-sexual. It was
like running into an old friend. She
was so mystical; I could not get over how at peace I felt in her presence.
She told me that I could heal myself and that everything would be OK.
She caressed my face and disappeared.
I noticed then that I felt an energy running through my body like I never
felt before in my life. I saw the
energy coming out of my hands and fingertips.
I rubbed my hands together and blew air into the palms of my hands.
I saw the energy in my breath. I
began to touch my body all over calmly. I
had begun to heal myself and it felt better than any medication I had ever
taken. I felt so at peace that I started to come down from that
experience.
I thought that it was over.
I started to breath again. I
wanted to stay where I was. Suddenly,
I started to experience something that happened to me when I was two and a half
years old. I knew that I had
abandonment issues that came up in the past and it was this same experience
again. However, this time it was
different. I was not thinking about
it. I was there reliving it all
over again. I saw my brothers and
sisters that were left behind when my mother came to the United States. I saw my grandmother and my mother walking away from us.
I was crying for my loss. I
was crying for my loneliness. I
noticed for the first time about this experience the one thing I had never
noticed before -- my mother was crying too.
I felt so much compassion for her hurt.
I realized that she did not want to leave us there.
She was suffering too. I was
not a bad boy. I was not ugly or
unwanted. My mother wanted me, she had to make tough choices, and for whatever
reasons she had to leave some of us behind.
I now remember her telling us that she had to bring the sickly ones with
her first because they needed tending. I
was a good boy and I was healthy and strong.
Unfortunately I did not know this as a two year old.
Now I know my healing has started.
I am feeling more complete than I ever felt in my life, alone or with a
companion. I am letting go.
It feels wonderful to want to be with myself, alone or with company.
Now I value everyone and everything in my life, especially myself.
After I cried for my mother I started crying for myself
again. I went from one experience
to another. What a roller coaster
ride. I was now very sad and upset.
Why? Why me? Why did they do this to me? Why
did they choose to hurt me? I sobbed like I never did before. I was now starting
to heal from the sexual abuse I experienced as a child.
The shame, guilt, hurt held me back.
I was always afraid to hold my head up.
I felt like I was hiding. I
could not be found out, or all the hard work and the image that I had worked so
hard to accomplish would be gone.
While in my breathwork I dealt with it all. The sex abuse was a pattern that was running like clockwork
through my large family. My shame
was not just from feeling like I was responsible for what was done to me.
My shame was also for my part in keeping the pattern of abuse running its
course through our family. I cried
and cried; then I stopped crying. I just lay there and stared at the ceiling.
I started to go into the numb state of mind that I would go into when
thinking about the sex abuse. Except
this time, it all made sense to me. Why
did I do what I did? Why did my
brothers and sister do to me what they did?
It’s that damn pattern we kept on repeating.
It’s all we knew. It was wrong, but it’s all we knew.
We hurt each other. I
realized that I had to forgive my brothers and sister for what happened between
us. If I could not forgive them
then I could not forgive myself. I
can now forgive myself. Someday, I
will make peace with my younger brother. When
the time is right the universe will put the task in our paths.
What a breakthrough this was. We had discussed prior to the
breathwork that if it were awkward to have physical contact with your therapist
this would be considered, and we agreed to avoid the contact if it was not OK
with me. I had agreed that it
would be OK. Now as I lay there I realized that Ted was lying next to me.
I felt startled and awkward. I
noticed that the awkwardness came from my fear of feeling a sexual attraction to
him. I realized at the moment that
Ted was my therapist and that the sexual awkwardness was my own and that I would
have to deal with it and respect the both of us.
Once I got past this I looked at him and saw him as the healer that he
is. I remembered him lying next to everyone else at one point or
another to comfort and help heal everyone there.
The experience that I had with Ted at that moment was one of
great importance. I realized that
from being a sex abuse victim I kept myself at a distance from so many people,
because I always approached many people with feelings and thoughts of sexual
overtones. These are my issues.
I learned that as sexual as humans are, not everyone that comes into my
life has to be or wants to be sexual with me.
I now feel that I can analyze every situation as it comes along.
I can begin to approach people in different situations and enjoy their
company for who and whatever reason they are there for, and to respect them and
myself.
The closing gathering in the circle at the end was a bit
overwhelming for me. I was feeling
kind of ashamed and guilty for having shared so much with my therapist.
I felt tired and could not wait to get out of there as soon as possible.
I was not going to share at the end.
I chose to stay silent. The
person sitting next to me asked me if I had spoken yet.
I said no and shared some things but not others.
I felt a little better, yet very tired. When we were done I spoke
to the young lady that asked me if I had spoken yet.
I thanked her for waking me up. I
told her that I appreciated the wake up call.
She told me that I was welcome.
I know I have so much more to work on; my healing has just
begun. I feel very excited about the new way that I have found to work on my
healing process. My journey continues and so will the process of healing
and letting go. I accept all that
the universe has installed for me.
Thank
you for your dedication to the work that you do.
It was an incredible session for me....I was able to go deeeeeep into release of
anger and rage.
--first it startled me that it was there and
----then it startled me as to how much was there.
There is more space for me now. :) yay!
I knew that I didn't want this experience to be
like the one I had at Kripalu where I was left with the feeling or sense that
there was no one there for me after experiencing so much pain, grief and
sadness. I already knew this would be a safer time for me because of the
facilitators. I was also determined to choose my partner for an optimal
experience. When I chose Gail she said to me with tears in her eyes that she was
very touched that I asked her to work with me. I knew this person with the kind
face was the right one.
The session was 3 hours long with this incredible evocative
music. I did my breathing in the AM starting around 11. I started out by
connecting with Gail and the facilitators and told Gail that I may need her to
hold my hands or to hold me at some point. She was touched again by this
information. It took me close to an hour, I would guess of deep breathing to get
into the process. I keep envisioning Gail’s face and I knew she was there for
me. I felt the vibration and tetany building in my arms and some in my legs, but
it was not painful like it was during my first experience. My arms eventually
needed to rise up and I felt myself reaching for something, without effort
(weightlessly), way above me. My breathing got faster and deeper using my whole
body (arching and writhing) to breathe with and I suddenly passed out or fell
into a deep sleep for I don't know how long. When I woke from this there was
enormous energy streaming throughout my whole body. It felt like bliss or
ecstasy! I continued in this state for a long time. I remember lifting my head
up off the mat while reaching out and suddenly realized that I no longer had to
breathe. I could stop breathing for a very long time, almost indefinitely it
felt. "I could die right now and it would be delightful." I found this
to be very funny and started to laugh. I stopped breathing a number of times and
had the same reaction. The music began to swoon me and the bliss was more
powerful. I spent the next hour or so feeling connected with myself and also
feeling connected to the entire universe at the same time. I thought about
reaching out to Gail at this point, but then decided that I didn't need to do
that just yet and that I was probably thinking more about her needs, wanting to
bring her into the experience. A while longer I decided it was time to reach out
my hand to her and she held my hand with both of hers with tears streaming down
her face. I felt very young at this point and felt that my mommy was there to be
with me and support me. It was like David's experience at the end of A.I. when
he finally reconnected with his "mother" after centuries of searching
for her. Gail and I gazed at each other for a while and then Patty came by to
join in. It was all very wonderful. I then went into a fetal position, curled up
with my stuffed animal and drifted off into a blissful sleep for the last part
of my journey. I continued to be in an expanded state for the rest of the day.
The room is quiet, the curtains drawn.
I put on my blindfold. But inside the curtains are parted and all
the characters are present -- they commingle, they interact with one another --
feelings bring up thoughts, thoughts bring up feelings. Life is
beautiful, just as it is -- and I want to share that with everyone. I feel
myself in deep rest and contemplation at the same time. In fact, my head
hurts from this state of observing my many feelings and thoughts, but I trust in
the process. There are times when I am overcome by deep emotion and the
music lets me hold on to the feelings, and even though a part of me is judging
and saying, you don't have to indulge in these feelings, I continue to cry,
because it feels good to weep. The
music is an amazing catalyst for letting my feelings exist.
(Writing this a day after my Breathwork it is amazing to me how the
different parts of me are making themselves known to my conscious mind.) I
was in a place where I could observe and then later decipher and understand
myself better. Seeing the many facets of the whole personality, I can now
love and accept the parts of me that I repress. I feel much more
acceptance of myself, and feel less fragmented. I guess when you
can learn to love the parts of you that make up the whole, there is more
understanding and ability to change.
I am completely amazed at how the music (which was
exquisitely wonderful and complex, and sweet and deep and gorgeous) somehow
created space in my mind to relax and feel myself being in my being. I am
really, really grateful for this process and thank all those aiding in this
beautiful, soulful work.
The workshop was so helpful! The people were awesome! I am feeling so much better and with so much energy! It really made my issues clearer and what I need to continue to work on; I am definitely not feeling stuck anymore -- just the opposite. Hope too see you again, as I am making it my intention to attend future workshops.
As I remember, it was a warm June day.
I was seven years old and my mother was away in the hospital, just as she
had been many times before.
I was in the kitchen, while my older sister called the hospital to check
on our mother’s condition.
They told her that my mother had died.
I went into my mother’s room to cry and to wait for my father’s
return home. I
heard him come in the house and went to meet him.
As I did, I saw him come towards me with anger in his eyes.
I became frightened and ran back into the bedroom.
My father started screaming at me, “You killed your mother, you killed
your mother” and he began beating me.
Fortunately, a neighbor who heard the screaming came into the house and
pulled him off me.
She held me and comforted me.
Somehow, we all made it through the funeral and tried to
establish a life.
Since there was no one to take care of me, I spent much time alone. My
father worked constantly and my sister, who was only sixteen, was coping as best
she could. After
a year, my sister married and left to start her own family and my father
remarried.
My stepmother had three children of her own and we became a new
family. It
was very difficult.
I was very strong willed and punished for it.
Often my stepmother and father would tell me that “your own mother said
you were no good from the day you were born, so how could you be any good to
us?” I
grew to believe that my real mother did not love me. Only
now, can I understand, I also believed I was entirely unlovable.
As I got older, I lived my life as closed and as controlled
as possible. My
romantic relationships were not good; I always had low paying jobs and didn’t
live in the best places. I lived with emotional pain and depression, but could
not understand why. I thought, as my parents had told me, “that I was just
ungrateful and didn’t appreciate what I had.”
Finally, I reached a point where I knew that something had to change.
It was at this point that I went into therapy.
My therapist introduced me to Holotropic Breathwork and I was very
skeptical about it. Since then, I have done Breathwork about ten times.
Each experience opened a new door into my “self.”
I had shamanic experiences, relived childhood abuse and connected to the
Divine. But
my last Breathwork experience brought a healing that I never thought possible.
During that session, I met the fear of abandonment that I lived with
throughout my childhood and my life.
It was only within this altered state, that I could have had the courage
to experience such a horrendous feeling.
It made me understand how much fear I lived with on a daily basis
and gave me an appreciation for what I had accomplished in spite of it.
The second part of this session brought me to my Mother.
In the scene, she opened her arms to me and smiled.
The smile that comes from someone whose love is overflowing and that love
was for me. She
said, “I am so proud of you.”
Even in that altered state, those words echoed throughout my being.
An echo that healed years of suffering.
At last, I knew I was loveable.
My life has changed a lot since that Breathwork.
I have a wonderful job, I own my home and I have become a Reiki
practitioner. I
am grateful to the people who have helped me throughout my healing journey and
for the path that Holotropic Breathwork opened for me, a path to wholeness.
I have done
breathwork countless times and every time the experience is different.
My childhood experience was one of horror and terror. It
was Satanic Ritual Abuse (SRA). All
the fear I internalized as a child followed me into adulthood.
By the time I did my first breathwork I had several years of counseling.
Breathwork has hit on a deeper level, allowing me to let go of so many
fears.
Things are so connected in the psyche. During
the last workshop, I had the realization that I cut myself off from love because
I could not trust. It all had to do
with my past. I saw that
particularly the left side of my body was affected.
The
left side is the receptive side of the body. I
am blind in my left eye. Connected
to the false belief “Trust is not safe” was the false belief "If I do
trust and allow love it is limited in nature." At
the same time the realization happened during the workshop, I saw who I really
am – a beautiful child of the Great Spirit – and that there is no
limitation. The experience was so
beautiful; I saw that everything goes on without ending!
I plan to do breathwork every chance I get. It
has made such a difference in my life.
This
was an amazing experience! For about an hour my body spontaneously
moved to the music. It felt very fluid. My limbs were lifted and
moved about with hardly any effort on my part. My hands were going in
and out of various gestures, some kind of mudras, perhaps. Nothing
could have prepared me for what happened next. It came into my awareness
that my body posture and movements were those of an ape. A half hour later
I was a big cat, maybe a jaguar. I moved like a big cat, even
thought like a big cat. (By this time my human thoughts and concerns
were gone. Awareness remained.) This evolutionary regression
continued. Another animal I spent considerable time being was
some kind of a lizard. It was fascinating to observe the micro
movements of my limbs. The final incarnation was most bizarre.
I must have become an amoeba or another unicellular
microorganism. There was very little if any structure and
organization to my form. I could move in any direction by extending my
pseudopods. With each step down the evolutionary tree I felt more free and
peaceful. The awareness remained throughout. In the end, my
consciousness collapsed. There was no more judgment, effort, desire, resistance,
definition. All that remained was an awareness of
pure, nonspatial and nontemporal lightness of being.
Ever since my
surgery 1 1/2 years ago, I have had problems with shortness of breath as
well as experiencing pain every time I was able to get a deep breath.
(This is different from the knot I had been feeling that got me to the
workshop). Western medicine, accupuncture/herbs and chiropractic
physicians have not been able to help with the pain and I thought this was
something I was just going to have to accept and live with.
I am delighted to tell you after yesterday's breathwork session I keep
taking deep breaths and feel NO PAIN!! (I'll try not to hyperventilate!)
It is so wonderful and I am so grateful to the both of you for continuing to
host these wonderful breath workshops. I love you guys and, you know, I
also just love to breathe.....
(3 weeks later…) I am happy to say the pain
is still gone! And, yes, you can add this account to your website if you
wish.
Love is my only currency. AMEN!
One hundred miles I have driven this morning to breathe – to breathe
hard and fast – to breathe the first breath – the first breath. The original
breath.
This morning I am looking for something I know I will find. I need to
find a part of myself – which part I don’t know.
One hundred miles and more – one hundred thousand miles and
thirty-eight years and today I will – this
I know – find what I am looking for.
And now the breathing is done. I sat second and breathed first.
The mandalas are almost complete and the late-day sun is reaching its
long arm down the table. There is ease and peace as though we have all been
through some ordeal or event.
I got what I came for. I
looked into God’s eye. It was a yellow-orange eye and yet a mirror as well. I
asked the question and heard in my own voice that I knew the answer already. God
was curt (Kurt) with me. And instant.
He also showed me a key
– or perhaps showed me the key. I
have no doubt the key is mine. An image not to lock something up but to release
something. To unlock God’s love. The truth ….
The truth: that to maintain
the illusion of separation takes more energy than to accept that we are all one
– than to live the unity.
Thank you so much for holding the workshop this weekend! I
had a very positive, affirming experience, which is just what I needed at this
time… I have been noticing subtle reverberations from the experience these
past few days; in brief, I feel that the self-doubt that I have been carrying
around with me for many years has been released.
Let me thank you, one more time, for giving me the opportunity to participate in
your Saturday's "No Frills" workshop. It was a very emotional
experience which has already influenced significantly my life in so many
respects. The breathwork session affected me very profoundly in a way that I am
only beginning to realize. I feel the process initiated during breathwork is
slowly developing but it runs mostly on an unconscious level. And, I think, my
experience, so far, is just the "tip of the iceberg" with much more to
explore. It looks like the first part affected is a very outer layer of the
unconscious mind (sorry if this sounds unclear but I've never received any
training in psychology, so in my layman view, a mind has a layered structure).
I was very pleased with the workshop ambiance which you masterfully
created. Thanks to a welcoming, friendly and relaxed atmosphere I had a chance
to meet bunch of nice, outgoing people. It felt great to spend some time with
the like-minded individuals.
I was never heard, given attention to during my
childhood. As an adult I attach this need to my current relationships,
especially my past boyfriend. He is unable to give me what I need just like my
mother. While attending a breathwork workshop in December 2005 (
In another recent breathwork session I experienced tremendous pain in my
chest/heart area. I felt like I couldn't breathe, like I was choking,
but in reality I couldn't push past the pain. It was too much to bear to deal
with in my current life. I continued breathing, feeling the strong emotions,
which then broke off to sadness and tears. I was crying for the attention I
wanted, the hugs and touch I yearned for but never received, for never
being heard. This also brought up thoughts about my four year old and
how guilty I feel when I am not able to give all of the attention she demands.
This was a very strong pain/feeling. After this release, I
started to continue to breathe to continue in my journey, but the person next to
me was screaming and releasing her pain, which triggered me. I became upset that
I couldn't get what I wanted and was being overshadowed by her screaming, just
like my childhood. Everyone else in my family was somehow heard but not me. My
needs were never recognized. I decided to block her out by putting my fingers in
my ears and throwing a tantrum with my feet. After a while I began to laugh;
somehow it felt good to block her out and ignore her. I didn't have to pay
attention to her and instead focused on my needs. That felt good. At the end of
the breathwork I was able to see how my childhood affects my perception as a
mother. I condemn myself for not meeting all of my daughter's requests for
attention, and don't honor the good things I do. I did receive a very good
important feedback from one of the other attendees. She suggested I ask myself,
if I had myself as a mother would I like me as a mother. I couldn't say no
since I do feel I do my best as a mother.
I wanted to say thank you for leading
the breathwork sessions in the way that you do. It felt really safe and the
environment was one of holding. For me, the lack of holding in my early
environment never allowed me to touch into some of the primitive aspects of my
self that I think I touched into on Saturday. Although the doubter has arrived
to coax me into doubting my experience, I do have some basic trust. Maybe I can
check in with you after I finish my appreciation of you and Jane for creating
such a space for all. Even before and after sessions there was the kind of
support that was fresh and clear and objective. Some of the things that came up
at the end were taken with such delicacy, strength, understanding and true
support. It is inspiring to see one's work in the world be so in tune with what
is needed.
So the tetany was a big part of my experience. Even when other things
were happening, it was there. At least in my hands, sometimes in the background.
There were only 2 times that the tetany seemed to go. Once when my body had a
felt sense of my animal soul wanting to express itself. As my body became
something of an expression of that, the tetany disappeared. It came back to
my hands, knees, inner ankles, diaphragm, solar plexus, whole center
zone/core, and it all seemed to pour into my navel in a very contracted and
painful way. I felt frozen like that for quite a while, and something came to me
about nourishment and I knew in my whole system something about that. I fell
into the big Cry. It seemed to go on for ever, and ever, and ever. I can almost
feel as though the after affects are still in me in a subtle way like the very
end of a bell that you can't quite hear the edge of.
I have worked with different aspects of nourishment for a long time
in many ways, and have had lots and lots of tears. They seemed to be different
tears than the tears of last Saturday. The tears of last Saturday were tears of
the whole body and the tears of the past were tears of the head -- more
about ideas and thoughts about my childhood, rather than a felt sense of it.
Saturday, there was a felt sense which I didn't even have thoughts or ideas
about (until after) and the tears came in response to that felt sense. It was
whole and rounded. Maybe acceptance allowed the body tears or maybe the body
tears allowed acceptance - either way, I love it!
I love it because something in me feels more settled.